3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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