He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
