I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
