I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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