Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
