When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Mom said you looked used
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Oh god it's open bar.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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