went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're too hungover to prance.
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