did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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