I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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