Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
