You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
