i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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