I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
