I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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