My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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