I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
