I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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