you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize
