I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
