White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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