living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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