Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
