I want to make a zoo with you.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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