im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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