I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i love accidental penises.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is Oprah even human
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
