"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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