I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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