For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
