Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
