So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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