Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
