pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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