I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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