the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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