Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
