i think my mom watched the whole time
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
