You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
