Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
