I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
