Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
