glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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