Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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