It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
