i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
