My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
