mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
