Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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