Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
