You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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