Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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