a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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