Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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