never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
