...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
