I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Let's get the cat blown out
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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