Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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