you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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