I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
