So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
