I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
